Whirlwind

Hi! Back again to share this whirlwind called life with you. I am TRYING to be sober more. JESUS. I think the hardest part of being sober is the pain of living. Numbing pain can sometimes feel soothing. Like ointment on a scrape. Other times it feels like I have been doing painkillers long past my procedure and recovery… It makes me sick to think about a day without getting high. I can’t really even create because I am smoking where boredom and creativity are supposed to live. Even while I am writing this I am writing it early so that I can hope to enjoy my high later. Lately when I am creating It’s like I need noise to drown out all of the pain I experience in my mind and body. I can’t stomach discomfort anymore. So I smoke or turn on the tele to distract.

After a life of discomfort, tragedy, love, and triumph, I still have pains that I cannot accept and release. While I’m writing and sedating, a panic attack is on the way, then a paralyzing boredom follows. I’ll have left the session with only a couple hundred words expressed without confidence. I just can’t stop. The habit is deep. Since I was 15. There have been periods where I maintain sobriety, but no longer than six months. Because smoking offers benefit and reprieve. But the way I lust for everything, I make it an addiction. I just want getting stoned to feel like it has in the past, but in order for it to feel that way, I must accept how it is in the present. Even then it may never feel like that again…

I supplement CBD where I can. It offers comfort for my body and an ease to my constant physical anxiety. Without the euphoric effects. The truth that’s hard to swallow is I used to be so much calmer and sure everything would be okay. Now I experience a lot of fear and even terror spells. PTSD and a lot of trauma has caught up with me.

Currently I am letting go of the anxious control I have built up since the beginning of the pandemic. I want to experience bliss, to leave the woes of the future to my future self as I once did and believe in the moment. I come into this consciousness again and again and again. I am close. But I must continue to believe. Believe in love, compassion, and a universe where there is a place for all experiences, even the ugly ones. I can’t eliminate discomfort or pain forever, that is not an option in our universe. Maybe the next one. :) - Jules