2 Weeks Later
It’s unexpected what two weeks changes. I went from being baffled at the clarity I felt, to being buried under cortisol and dismay. This bone chilling cold. Freezes my growth. I feel stuck. Not in the mud. But in ice blocks. Agony that no one sees. But still I feel it. My heart breaks again. Woes leak out, I breathe in some psychological smog that fills my mind. Poisoning my clarity. Obscuring the iris opened through love. All I see is death. All I think of brings me to my knees. How can I act in misery?
Will life be endlessly, this getting better and getting worse? Going back and forth, forcing my exhaustion? Two steps forward, one step back this time. It’s a blessing. But I still feel cursed. I’m suffocating. The pride of making an impact. The shame of losing touch with my passion. I hope we’re not just stars slowly burning out. Alan Watts says a short-life doing what you love, is better than a lifetime doing something you hate. What is to be said for doing something you just like? The middle road, this balance between creative excitement and monotonous drudgery…
I’ve learned much. Like I can’t wish my feelings away. I have to allow them to wash over me. It feels ironic that I have to feel like shit before I feel better. I can’t avoid it. I can’t make the feelings back down. I can’t hold onto them and live in anguish forever. I could, but why stay in hell any longer than I have to? Submission and surrender. What my pride fears the most. But when I let go, I feel like I’m not suffocating anymore. I’ve spit up all the vomit. Cried every tear. Yelled into my microphone with rage and heart break. What’s left when I am empty? I can’t tell the difference between being empty and numb. I know there’s one, I can’t feel it. It’s much like how I can be kind without being happy. And reinstating this process has resurrected meaning in my life. I’d rather go through it then go around it. Because the ice will break. Summers always coming. And when the sun kisses my skin, my growth will become rapid, and all this suffering, forgotten.
