Wow. A lot of magic has happened since my last blog. Ebbs flow I guess. The amount of relief I feel after the terror of my abyss is soothing. My heart of agony and rage have finally calmed. It’s sometimes excruciating to live an honest life. Especially with the pressure I feel to mask myself. Camouflaging to other’s energy and expectations out of fear that truly being seen will be too ugly to love. But to practice loving myself and accepting my wounded younger self for all they are helps me open again to the beauty of life.
I have decided I want to make life worth living again… doing things I once enjoyed. I’ve been waking up early enough to take Arya on a walk before I have to go to work. The sun and cool air refresh my skin. And every time Arya gets back to the house she bolts around chordy with lightning fast zoomies, telling her all about the dogs she barked at or the mushrooms she sniffed.
My little brother and dear friends Lux and Leigh got married! Each event has given me everlasting rays of hope. Love is abundant and it’s stronger than ever. The dark clouds of my mother’s passing, I want to see them clear. I will live in the light of my mom’s love again. I felt her love in the tranquil plains of McKenzie, TN watching my little brother and sister tie their hands together with beautiful cloth. Being prayed over by someone who kindles the same love my mother’s flames kept.
I felt her love watching Leigh and Lux exchange vows at dusk. Promising a heart that embodies all of life as they see it and share it. I breathe deeply and bask in each wedding I share with chord. She radiates beauty, strength, and love. She holds my hand and comforts me while I cry for love lost, she smiles and dances with me while we celebrate love gained. There’s more to this life than we perceive, and I am grateful for that.
I’ve felt heard, seen, and accepted lately. I see all the numbers I am doing and they aren’t insignificant. The universe we live in sees us. Thank you all for being hear with me. I love you.
